I stopped using work to prove I was coping

During the waiting weeks, I answered work messages quickly because responsiveness made me look normal. Then I spent breaks searching and returned to my desk unable to remember what I had been doing. I was trying to hide uncertainty by being unusually available.

I chose two small changes. I stopped checking personal health information on my work laptop, and I blocked a genuine lunch break on my calendar. I did not tell colleagues why. One trusted friend knew I was waiting and agreed to send ordinary messages that did not require an update.

Some days the structure worked. On others, I searched on my phone or stared at the same task for too long. I began writing the next work action on paper before taking a break, so I had somewhere specific to return. That helped more than promising myself I would not think about the wait.

Outside work, I kept one plan each week that could be shortened or cancelled. The plan was not evidence of positivity; it was simply something with a time and place. I stopped judging the week by whether I had been successfully distracted.

The waiting still takes up room. I cannot organise it out of existence, and I would seek professional support rather than expect routines to carry more than they can. For now, I am trying not to make productivity another performance I owe other people while I wait.