The question that finally got us past “are we ready?”
We were halfway through washing up when I asked my partner what support would look like if trying became difficult. Not whether we were ready. We had worn that question smooth. Eve
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I wrote “sleep” on the list without turning it into a fertility cure
When I noticed I was sleeping five or six hours, I immediately found articles connecting sleep to almost everything. By the end of the evening, bedtime felt like another performanc
I brought the gaps in my cycle record with me
My cycles ranged from 32 to 60 days. Search results repeatedly mentioned PCOS and thyroid conditions, and I began reading my record as if one of those labels must already be hidden
My cycle notes became shorter when I stopped trying to explain them
I started tracking irregular cycles because I wanted a clear record if I saw a clinician. Within weeks, the record included sleep, stress, food, exercise, symptoms and guesses abou
I asked the clinic what Thursday would actually involve
My partner and I agreed to arrange STI tests, and I booked mine for Thursday. The decision felt sensible; the appointment still made me nervous. I had never visited that clinic, an
I congratulated my friend, then muted the chat
The message arrived between two work emails. There was a photograph, a row of hearts, and then the group chat started moving faster than I could read. My friend was pregnant. I wan
I declined the cleanse without calling my aunt foolish
My aunt arrived with herbs wrapped in paper and instructions for a cleanse. She had carried them across Lagos because she cared about me. I did not want to take them. I also did no
“I need support” was too large, so I asked for Tuesday
I rehearsed telling my friend I needed support, but the phrase felt like handing her a blank form with no right answer. So I asked whether she could walk with me on Tuesday and let
I compared contraception by my priorities, not other people’s rankings
After a couple of years using the same contraception, I had side effects I no longer wanted to dismiss. Searching for alternatives produced confident recommendations in every direc
At 2:14am, I moved the symptom list out of reach
The time at the top of my phone said 2:14. I had searched the same symptom three ways and was now reading a discussion from years ago. My eyes hurt. I knew the searching was making
The note I carried into my first GP appointment
The night before my GP appointment, my phone note had become longer than the appointment itself. We had been trying for 14 months, and I had kept adding dates, questions, history a
I stopped using work to prove I was coping
During the waiting weeks, I answered work messages quickly because responsiveness made me look normal. Then I spent breaks searching and returned to my desk unable to remember what